“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
My quest for spiritual growth + self-improvement was sparked by an inner pain I created within my life over six years ago.
Since then, I realized the only way for me to heal from those experiences is to face them – head on. To dredge up the gross energy and feelings, so they can be released. To share my story, so that others can find a piece of their own truth within it and stand up within their own light.
My goal, now, is to help other free spirits to live the most happy, fulfilled, and empowered life possible.
Here’s my story and how choosing transformation made me happier and more fulfilled…
Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that I chose to suffer.
Why would someone consciously choose to make their life harder?
For me, my deepest struggles have led me here: to truth, love, and personal freedom.
I needed to hold on tight – so tight – to block out the light.
Darkness was an adventure I chose to take, until I could learn what it meant to stand on my own two feet, heart and eyes open.
Engulfed by the light.
The repeating offenders kept showing up on my doorstep: the ones not interested in personal growth. The ones who enjoyed gossip and drugs. The ones who had no real direction in life. The ones who had children with women they hardly knew. The ones with no motivation beyond video games and weed.
My sense of self eroded and washed away into the hands of each one of these relationships.
I gave my power away.
Sometimes, I still do.
The difference, now, is that I practice receiving validation from myself, instead of others.
I wondered, for awhile, how it happened.
How had I wandered, so far from who I was, so off-course, off-balance, and confused?
But, it can all be rewound to the summer before I went away to college…
I was 18 and felt I could – and would – do whatever I wanted. This led me into a deeply traumatizing and emotionally painful relationship. One of which lasted, on and off, for two + years.
It was emotionally, mentally, and soulfully exhausting.
Oh, the pain.
It was a perpetual cycle of depression, self-doubt and lack of self-worth. Even a sense of sadness that my life had somehow evolved into this. And, that somehow, I’d allowed it happen.
When I reflect on that time, the energy feels so gray. Dark. Depressing. There was no light. Just gloom.
My happiness, my sadness, and my excitement flowed its way into the hands of someone else. When I didn’t hear from him for a day or two, I wondered: what did I do wrong? What’s so fundamentally messed up with me, that this man cannot even return my text messages? I deeply felt it was my fault for being annoying, being a pest, being that ‘annoying girlfriend’ who ‘whipped her boyfriend’. I agonized over when to contact him, overanalyzing + overthinking everything, so I could figure out just what it takes to make this man love me. A man, whom I discovered, didn’t even know how to love himself.
Instead, I allowed myself to be in an emotionally manipulative situation, where he had the freedom to sleep with who he wanted and party as much as he wanted, while putting myself in a place where I allowed this to hurt me.
The vast majority of two years was spent trying to prove I was worth it.
That I was worth the love and respect.
That I was worth loving.
What I didn’t realize is – no matter how hard you try, if someone doesn’t know themselves, doesn’t love themselves, and doesn’t respect themselves, it’s going to be an impossible quest for you as well. And, an enduring one at that.
I know now that I wasn’t loved – at least not in the way I wanted to be. How could someone possibly love me if they didn’t love themselves?
Often, he’d throw up little white flags, surrendering that the only way I could possibly stay in a relationship with him was if I was as messed up as he was. He knew I deserved more. He told me so. But then, in a fit of loneliness, he’d wrangle me back in and I was so misaligned with my purpose and confidence, that I did whatever he said.
At the time, self-love was a foreign concept.
Letting go was something other people did, but not me.
Releasing to the universe, allowing, giving space and grace?
Not. A. Clue.
Eventually, the pattern was so deeply exhausting, I felt like a shell of who I once was.
No longer was I full of light and humor and love.
Instead, my heart was filled with despair. Wounded. Hurt. Closed-off.
I became so tired. Self-disrespect was a close friend of mine. I felt like I knew her so well. I didn’t want to change, or evolve out of the cycle I’d been in. Now, I can see how difficult and confusing it must be for men and women experiencing domestic abuse. Although, my abuse was not physical, the emotional wounds can be just as deep, leaving a lasting impact on the way you see the world and yourself.
How can a divinely timed book change it all?
I can’t even remember where the book came from, or who it came from. It feels as though it appeared out of thin air. Magic.
Flying from Chicago to San Diego, I felt my subconscious mind alter as I read the pages of The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra. It changed everything. I devoured the small volume of principles for living a successful life like my own depended on it.
It sparked within the meaning of true living.
I wondered how I’d existed for so long without knowing these fundamental truths.
Finally, I thought, now I have a framework for what it means to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. For two long years – maybe more – I felt confused. Now, I felt empowered. I felt changed. I wanted to tell everyone about it. The veil was lifted, the energy changed, no longer was I consumed by darkness.
From there, a learned more about myself through meditation, more Deepak Chopra, more self-inquiry.
Who am I?
What am I here for?
How can I be my best self?
How can I show up as my true self, every single day?
I learned a lot then, and I’m still learning now.
All suffering can lead to light, if we choose.
We can always see the negative, or we can choose to see the light.
We can allow others to shape our lives, or we can consciously create them for ourselves.
We can transform all experiences, in the past or present, to meaningful, empowering adventures.
But, we must make that choice to be empowered creators of this life experience.
The relationships I’ve experienced throughout my life haven’t always been picture perfect.
Many, if not most, have been very painful in one way or another.
They’ve also showed me what a wonderful relationship can be. They’ve shown me where I need to stand in my own power.
The relationship with myself, once devoid of self-love or self-care, now takes first priority.
I choose to create life in the way I want to experience it. I choose what feels good to do, be, and have.
I step into my power. I create my life. I share my truth.
I choose personal evolution, love, and adventure.
This is my inner compass.
I am not what others think of me. I am not what others expect me to be.
I am me.
And, I am loved – by me.
When we start to see our negative circumstances in a positive light, we shift the power back to us.
We learn how to experience the world in an empowering way.
No longer are we a victim, but a powerful creator of this experience.
We transform our mindsets to see the good in everything. We learn to believe in ourselves, our fundamental nature, which is love. We learn that we are actually a lot more powerful than we realize, we just have to choose.
If you’re reading this, I presume that, you, too, are choosing to shift the power back to you.
So, thank you for choosing.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for stepping into the light, with me.
With abundant love + gratitude,